This is a sensitive one for me and one I know I'll find a bit difficult to write, but this is something I think is important to bring some attention to.
Bird's birth didn't go according to how I'd planned it and initially, I was fine with this. I remember feeling guilty when friends would ask about the birth and I had to admit it hadn't gone as I'd hoped, but other than that, I didn't even really think about it for two or three weeks.
But once Bird started to sleep for slightly longer periods at night, resulting in me doing the same, I started to have nightmares and would wake up sweating and panicky.
My nightmares were more like flashbacks. I kept reliving what had happened; the horrendously delirious feeling Pethidine gave me and how out of control I felt, which is one of my biggest fears. I felt so helpless and my nightmares were so vivid and realistic.
I didn't once feel depressed. From what I understand, post natal depression is quite a lot more common than post traumatic stress disorder following birth, but I never felt low and I certainly didn't struggle to bond with Bird.
The nightmares didn't happen every night, and when they did, I usually recovered relatively quickly from them.
I had some friends who were due to have babies after Bird was born, and I started to find that every time one of them gave birth, I couldn't help feeling extremely emotional and getting teary. I was remembering my own experiences and would feel disappointed in myself, like I'd let my daughter down because it had gotten so stressful. I would question whether it was my fault she had a hard time breastfeeding in the beginning, even though we cracked it eventually and we're still going strong now.
I felt upset at the way I was spoken to by some of the midwives - one refusing to believe that my waters had broken at all, let alone that they contained meconium, before the birth, another acting like I should just know how to breastfeed after the birth and making me feel like a time-waster when I asked for her help, the fact that I felt so powerless and unimportant during labour and that the side effects of Pethidine weren't explained to me (I never would have accepted it had I been aware that it could make me feel so out of control - some women may like it for this reason, but for me this was terrifying).
Don't get me wrong, I was always so happy for my friends and their new babies, but I just felt guilty and disappointed at my own experiences.
I never went to my doctor about this because I honestly didn't think anything of it until recently. It wasn't an everyday occurrence. The nightmares lasted 6 or 7 weeks and I rarely thought about it.
It's only now that these feelings have subsided that I've realised I was probably experiencing a bit of PTSD. I don't consider it to have been severe, and I'm definitely past it now. I know that I am absolutely not to blame for the things I thought I was.
I also know that there wasn't anything particularly uncommon or unusual about Bird's birth, and to most people it may sound pretty standard and uneventful, but if somebody feels that an event they experienced was traumatic, then it was, and nobody has the right to belittle those feelings, regardless of how it may look to them from the outside. Things that may not cause upset to one person, can cause extreme upset to another and this is no different.
I don't feel put off of having any more children, although it's unlikely we will be able to due to Steve's ill health. However, for some ladies, PTSD is enough to discourage them from having any more children, and can cause lifelong anxiety and other issues.
No matter how long or short labour is, whether it's done naturally, with assistance or by C-Section, drug-free or not, we are all mothers and the way our babies come into the world does NOT define our abilities as parents. Some things are beyond our control and we should be empowering each other, not belittling other women based on the sort of birth that they had.
If the feelings I experienced resonate with anyone reading this or if you feel you may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder or post natal depression, I strongly advise you see your GP. There are options available to help with these feelings.
Apologies for the heavier post this evening but I want this blog to be open and honest, and I felt this was a necessary topic to discuss.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
Love, Gina Xx
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